Piero's Election Special: 'I didn't win either, and I'm still employed'

Well, the Republic has voted, and I am reliably informed that this is a triumph for stability, moderation, and the forty-third consecutive year of the same two men deciding everything. Let us review the highlights.

The big winner. Ari Stov lost two seats and called it continuity, which is the political equivalent of a sparrow flying into a window and declaring the window the loser. Blue Dawn is now the largest party in a chamber it can no longer command. Congratulations to everyone involved.

The big loser. Boj Volansky spent thirty years in the Assembly and lost his seat to a 28-year-old cryptographer. The newspapers are calling this a tragedy. I am calling it a warning: if you run as an independent on a platform of “I am the only serious liberal,” the electorate will eventually test the claim.

The purchase of the year. Bran Maj spent rather a lot of Maj Holdings’ money to win 39.1 per cent of Pologradska and one seat, which his accountant describes as an “efficiency.” The seat was, of course, already his.

The margin of the year. Malik Kondratiev retained his seat by 0.1 of a point over Blue Dawn’s special envoy to the east, a post that did not exist before Tuesday but now comes with a car.

The north. Northern Power won four seats and both Viskogorje constituencies, and now intends to fix the environment, the water, and the roads, in that order, provided the Chancellory remembers the north exists. The party’s new slogan is reportedly “We Are Still Here,” which is what I shout at the Vjetar Dam every spring.

Whispers on the Kambel. Which senator was seen celebrating his re-election in a Sinj restaurant that does not appear on any tax register, and paid with a card issued by a bank that does not appear on any other register? I am not saying I know. I am saying the menu had no prices, and the wine was from a year the Republic claims did not happen.

Correction. In last week’s issue we reported that the Assembly had passed a bill. We regret the error. It was a press release.

Piero’s Perch will return next week, weather permitting. The Bureaucracy Forcefield remains fully operational.